sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
This is terrible.
Not the beer, you nobsicle, this!
Bad news out of Wullerton.
[all spitting]
Their weekly newspaper is shutting down.
Poor Wullerton.
[all spitting]
Yup, papers are either going digital
or they're dying. It's all the rage.
What are you doing, conducting an invisible choir?
Waving down a tiny waitress?
- A third thing that's funnier? - Well, by my air calculations,
our paper must be on the chopping block too.
What? That paper is the lifeblood of this town!
We need to save it. Who's with me?
[angrily] I said, who's with me?!
I say let it die. Kill the paper, kill the paperboy!
Hmm, murdering a child seems a tad harsh,
- even for you. - Oh, please, that boy is a monster.
Top of the morning, Mr. Leroy!
Ooh!
That was no accident.
Oh, uh, yes, dear. Save the Howler!
[muttering] I'll kill that paper if it's the last thing I do.
You're going against Mom, so it probably will be.
♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪
♪ Look closer, baby You're so wrong ♪
2x05 - Paper Sashay
- How was breakfast? - Well, I don't mean to complain,
but I ordered bacon and eggs, you gave me eggs and bacon.
Yeah, I turned the plate around.
It's like having breakfast in Australia.
Ooh, exotic. Can I get a coffee to go?
Oh. I'm swamped. How about I bring it by later?
- Whatever you say, City Walk. - "City Walk"? [chuckles]
- Wh-what does that mean? - Nothin'. [gas bell chimes]
Don't go all Lacey on me.
"Go all Lacey"? What does that mean? Wha...?
If we're gonna save the Howler,
we need to help it generate revenue.
Okay, but why do you care about the paper so much?
I have my reasons.
- Why do you care? - Crossword.
You do the Howler crossword?
It's my 30-second warm-up for the Times crossword.
You've got to crawl before you perambulate.
[music]
[crow cawing]
Aah!
Not again! [crow cawing]
Officer under attack. Officer under attack!
What is it with that crow? That is the third time this week.
Maybe you smell like a worm.
- Ever think of that? - Not even once.
[forced] Oh, hey, more homemade muffins.
Is this the orgasmic gluttony kind?
Organic and gluten free? Yes.
Oh. All right.
I've got a plan to kill the paperboy.
Okay, step one, count me out.
You can't be out. It was your idea.
My idea? I've always been very against murder.
It's kind of my thing.
I just mean kill the paper. You're going to help me do
one of those digital in-line news things.
Step two, no, I'm not.
- I'll pay you. Five bucks. - Tempting offer, but sadly,
I've sent my computer to the Internet for repairs,
- so... no. - I'll take that as a yes.
Oh, and step three, don't tell your mother.
[door opens and closes]
Step four, continue searching for biological father.
[music]
[Lacey, thinking] Buy whipped cream, ketchup, eggs.
Whipped cream, ketchup, eggs.
"Going all Lacey"? What does that even mean?
Is he saying I get inside my own head?
I don't get inside my own... Dammit, Lacey!
City Walk? I mean, I don't have a city walk.
Wait, what is a city walk? Brent's just so...
Oh. Dammit, Lacey!
Well, at least I don't walk like that.
[crow cawing]
- You okay? - A crow keeps dive-bombing me.
That wasn't a crow. It's just my ringtone.
[ringtone of crow cawing]
[shudders]
- That's like nails on a chalkboard. - Oh, I have that one too!
["ahooga" horn sounds]
Oh, I must've changed that.
Anyway, if you're having crow trouble,
- I'm an expert. - I find that hard to believe.
Nah, I've got the whole kit.
Nerf gun and, uh... other stuff.
Fine, you can help, but only because I'm desperate.
- Oh, I specialize in desperate. - Now, that I believe.
[music]
Oh, hey, Mom.
Dad told me not to tell you something.
- What is it? - He wants me to help him
kill the Howler by setting up an online version.
[groans]
I should have married Wilbur Watson when I had the chance.
- Who's he? - A guy who died years ago
and isn't causing me any problems.
Well, don't worry, Dad's not going to pull this off,
- because I'm not going to help him. - Yes, you will.
The best way to make anything fail is to put your dad in charge.
Oh, and Corner Gas needs to buy an ad in the Howler.
Why would I advertise in a paper people come here to buy?
Because your mother would like you to.
Full page ad, done. Love you, Mommy.
[crow cawing]
[firing Nerf gun]
Hank's got a loose definition of "expert."
I don't see this ending well.
Gotcha! [fires Nerf gun]
Uh-oh. [cawing angrily]
- [wincing] Ooh... - [Hank screams] Not the eyes!
Oh, right in the eyes!
[music]
That's three businesses who've bought ads in the Howler.
I asked at the liquor store. They kicked me out.
Maybe you didn't ask nicely enough.
- Now's your chance. - And a good day to you, Won,
valued local business owner.
- What's wrong with your mouth? - How'd you like
to increase foot traffic in your fine establishment
by purchasing an advertisement in the Howler?
No, thanks. We're plenty busy.
Just sold some whipped cream, ketchup, and eggs, as a matter of fact.
Nice dairy cooler. Is that new?
You know, I think I will buy an ad.
Half page, maybe? Full?
- Okay, done. - You're a peach.
See? You catch more flies with honey.
Sure, if the honey is terrifying.
Got any tape?
I read that sticking eyes on the back of your head
will stop a crow from attacking you.
Smart. Make it think you're a giant mutant spider.
No. Crows attack from the rear.
- Four eyes? No rear. - Always been my motto.
- Your tape in here? - No!
Hey... aren't you eating my muffins?
I'm... saving them. To binge eat.
Really? Why not binge-eat one now?
O...kay.
Mmm... can't wait.
[gasps] Karen! Look over there!
- Really? - That was your fault.
You supposed to look over there. [crow cawing]
Hey! He likes my muffins!
Great! Share the wealth.
Come on.
[music]
[grunting with effort]
I brought our computer from home.
Now we can get down to business.
No, you just brought the monitor.
You need to get the actual computer,
and the keyboard, and the mouse.
[grunting]
There. Now can we start?
Fine, but let's use this one.
- I thought you didn't... - Yeah, yeah, the Internet sent it back.
Wow, that Internet is fast.
Well, they use lasers and what-have-you...
Anyway, first step to getting the Howler online
is you retyping all the articles.
Why are you walking like that? Ooh, did you get a horse?
No, I'm just feeling a little self-conscious.
Brent said that I have a... [whispering] city walk.
Uh-huh, and...?
So it's true? I have a city walk?
Well, it ain't a country walk.
- There's a difference? - Ho-hokay, yeah.
There is a difference.
- I can teach you if you want. - Okay.
So what do I do that makes mine a city walk?
[customer 1] Too much bounce!
[customer 2] Got a stick up yer butt!
[customer 3] Quit hip-wagglin', ya floozy!
I was asking Davis. Geez...
They're not wrong.
[music]
Okay, I want to watch you walk.
And I want you to find a less creepy way to phrase that.
I'm just analyzing your bio-motion.
Uh-huh... interesting.
Rapid pace. Rolled shoulders.
- And... squat. - And we're back to creepy.
- I'm not squatting in public. - It's for science.
[giggles] You look like a dog pooping.
And creepy becomes gross!
- Can I walk country now? - Patience!
To truly walk country, you must learn them all...
the Backwoods Boxstep, the Jealous Jaunt,
the Hayseed Hip Thrust, the Poky Yokel.
I'll never be able to do all that.
Believe in yourself, Lacey-san. Walk on, walk off...
Now, there's one thing left to do...
I've seen that movie, and I'm not washing your car.
Then there are no things left to do.
Unless you want to paint my fence?
[music]
Hang back a little. I'm doing this one Emma-style.
By "Emma-style," you mean sweetly?
[rings doorbell]
Hey, Wanda. What's up?
Howler subscription, that's what's up.
Maybe you'll play this smart and buy one.
That's a nice doorbell.
Shame if you should wake up one day
and it don't "bing-bong" no more.
[laughs]
[threateningly] Hey, whoa, do I amuse you?
Am I your circus clown?
Should I twist up a funny balloon poodle
- for your entertainment? - [chuckling] Hey, Emma,
have you heard Wanda's Joe Pesci impression?
Sounds more like Phyllis Diller doing Joe Piscopo.
But seriously, Rheena. Rheens...
- About the Howler... - A subscription?
Sign me up. Okay, bye!
[door slams, locks snap shut]
- See? - You really don't hear it?
...and then I was like "If you don't value my authentic self,
you don't deserve a third date."
Stay perfectly still if you think I did the right thing.
You're so supportive.
[cawing gently]
[Hank shouts] Get your filthy wings off her!
[Nerf gun fires] [Karen winces]
- You scared Edgar away! - Edgar?
Edgar Allen Crow? We're friends now.
So... you don't want me to get rid of him?
No, he's a great listener.
Okay. Weird, but okay.
You know what's weirder?
You never thought of "Russell Crow."
I did! It was too obvious!
There, that should do it. May I present the Online Howler.
"Insert headline here"?
- That's not a very catchy lead story. - It's just a template.
You need to paste in the stories you typed up.
Here? Oop! Where'd it go?
You just deleted everything I did over the last two hours.
...and template's finished. Again.
Whoa, whoa, you touch nothing.
I'll do the cutting and pasting.
Which one do you want to do first?
"Ragweed on the Rise, Homegrown Terror!"
Bah, that's a little bland.
Bland? It's got the word "terror" in it.
Needs some spice. "Agro-Armageddon!
- Death in the Dirt." - Yeah, that's some pepper.
[typing]
- Should be a "y" in that. - It's not "army-geddon."
[music]
...then my eczema flared up.
You're right, it probably was the dairy.
- Whenever I have... - Hey, guys!
[sighs in frustration] ...I'll tell you later.
Peace offering. I figured all three of us could hang out.
Hank, we're having a conversation.
Great, what are we talking about?
Girl stuff? Bird stuff?
You know, in England, it's the same thing.
It's a private conversation between me and Cameron.
Cameron? Oh! [laughs] I get it.
Okay, then. Uh, guess I'll just, uh, leave you to it.
Where were we? Oh, right, skin conditions.
And shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
- Slower, shufflier... - Can I have my soup?
We've covered shuffling, slouching, and the scratch 'n' walk.
- I'm ready to put 'em all together. - Are you mad?
That's too much to concentrate on,
and we all know you're not a great multitasker.
[Lacey, thinking] Not a great multitasker?
What does that mean? And why am I holding soup?
[snapping fingers]
- Lacey? Hello? - Oh, sorry, here you go.
Hey, Nate, what can I get you?
[music]
Oh, well, if it isn't Mr. Popular.
Thought you were hanging out with your best friend, Karen.
Hmm? Oh, you like this?
Swedish army knife. It's like a Swiss army knife,
but instead of a nail file, it has a "nagelfile."
You know, you are a good listener, little fågel.
That's "bird" in Swedish.
Hey! Stop! Thief!
Why, you little gärningsmannen...
Geez, I know a lot of Swedish.
...and that's how the Nazis invented recycling!
I'm Oscar Leroy, and that's my Digital Two Cents.
You get all that?
I wouldn't say I get it, but I wrote it all down.
Enough dithering. It's time to share this
on-the-line newspaper with the world!
Sure. You wanna do a quick spell-check or...
- Publish. - I admire your passion.
I'd like to report a robbery
- perpetrated by your CFF. - CFF?
- Your Crow Friend Forever is a thief! - CFF... clever.
Calm down, Hank. You're just jealous
because I'm friends with Chad, and you're not.
I'm not jealous, I... Chad?
- Chad Crowger. - Oh-ho-ho, good one.
But I'm serious, he robbed me.
My prints are all over that knife.
What if he kills someone and frames me?
They don't call it a "murder of crows" for nothing.
Whatever. I don't appreciate you
spreading rumours about my friend.
Your friend is a thief, and I'm gonna prove it.
[music]
Have you read the online Howler?
It's a riot. Hey!
"Save your heating bill, Support Global Warming."
"Brexit is the most important meal of the day."
- That's my lunatic. - Wow, this trash is even worse
than the original Howler.
But for some reason, people love it.
[chuckles] Oh right. People love trash.
This is all Brent's fault.
Hey, Davis! I've been doing a little practicing,
and I've got a surprise for you.
- Is it cake? - Just watch.
Foot drag, slouch,
lazy turn, shuffle, and...
- Oh! - Not the Hayseed Hip Thrust!
[thud] Ooh...
[groans]
[customer] Floozy down!
[music]
I can't believe you'd help your own father.
You told me to. How was I supposed to know
the digital Howler would be a runaway hit?
It's a hit?
My free paper-free paper's a hit! Rot in hell, Jeff!
- Who's Jeff? - The paperboy, I'm assuming.
Oscar, you're interfering with our mission
to save the newspaper. Shut. It. Down.
- Dream. On. Woman. - Please?
Fine. Dream. On. Please.
This isn't over.
[chuckling] Well, well, well.
It appears intimidation doesn't always work.
Maybe it's time we shift gears
and use a little of the old Wanda Dollard intellect.
- Get the door. - Right away.
Wow... that chiropractor was a-mazing.
- So you're all better now? - Yep.
- Great. - Oh, look at these beautiful walks.
Upright, paced for success.
These are my people. Merging!
Lacey, slow down! Have I taught you nothing?
- Oh! - On your left, Hayseed!
So how about this?
"Laser Eye Surgery Gives Local Man Laser Vision,
- says unnamed source." - What are you talking about?
Headline for the next Digital Howler. We've got to start now.
Another one? We just did one!
And we have to do one every week
- until the end of time. - Oh. To hell with that.
There's got to be a more efficient way to kill the paperboy.
You could put poison in his...
H-Hang on, I'm not helping you with that.
Look, for the last time, the paperboy is not your enemy.
Says you. There's something shifty
about that knot-knockin' news-slinger.
So what, we're not doing this anymore?
Nope. The Online Howler is officially dead.
This is a cease and desist letter.
If you publish one more word in the Online Howler,
the real Howler will sue you
- for misrepresentation. - Okay.
We won!
How did you get the cease and desist so quickly?
I didn't. This is my phone bill.
See? Intellect over intimidation.
Threatening a lawsuit isn't intimidation?
Okay... but it's intellectual intimidation.
[breathlessly] Okay... city walk.
Shoulders back, chest out, heel-toe, heel-toe,
eyes forward, stick up butt.
Hey, I think I'm getting the hang...
[thud] Ah!
[groaning]
My back.
[music]
What are you doing?
Catching a thief, claw-handed,
- with this GoPro. - You mean CrowPro?
Geez, you're obsessed with puns.
Here's the plan... crow approaches,
lured by sexy decoy girl crow,
flies into certified crow-catching net,
where I attach the GoPro to said criminal.
Crow flies back to nest,
providing video evidence of the location of my knife.
All you're missing is an anvil,
and a tunnel painted on the side of a cliff.
How are you going to attach the GoPro to the crow?
ACME bird glue?
I've created a custom harness that... [cawing]
Hey, he took my GoPro!
Oh. Awesome, he took my GoPro!
- Hey, Nick! Good news. - Suitcase?
Don't tell me the Howler's shutting down
and you're moving away.
Shutting down? Hardly.
We just had the best week of our lives!
Really?
There was a huge surge in out-of-town subscriptions
because of Oscar's trashy online Howler.
It's got readers in high places.
Now some online rag is saying
I'm responsible for sea monsters on the prairie.
Sea monsters?
I mean, do people just make up whatever they want
- and call it "news"? - Pretty much, yeah.
Unbelievable. What a time to be Prime Minister.
It's been a real boon to the business,
so we're going on a vacation to Greece.
But one good week wouldn't cover your annual losses.
What losses?
We own the building, we've got plenty of supplies,
and the paper only costs pennies to print.
Plus, we've always sold corn liquor out the back door.
- That... that's off the record. - [grumbles] Bah...
I forgot to factor moonshine into my calculations.
Hey, Emma, thank Oscar for me.
I hope his digital paper goes on forever.
Wow! That chiropractor was amazing.
Oh. Let's get out of here and go home.
Sure, but maybe, to get safely to the car,
we split the difference between a country walk and a city walk.
- Suburban stroll? - All right!
[music]
So that's what you've been up to...
- Told ya it stole my knife. - Yeah, but look at all my muffins!
- He loves them. - He's not a he, he's a she,
and she is using your muffins
to build a nest for her babies.
Aw... So no one likes my muffins?
- A true friend would eat your muffin. - Amen, sister.
[spitting] Ugh! Oh, god, not worth it.
I like my city walk, thank you very much.
Yeah, I like it too. It has a good pace.
It means I get my food faster.
Well, then, why were you making fun of it?
Pointing something out doesn't necessarily make it an insult.
Oh. Wow. I really went full Lacey on that.
Now that, I was making fun of. So, how about some lunch?
Back in a minute... Pickle Lips.
[Brent, thinking] Pickle Lips? What does that mean?
And why is my voice all echo-y and inside my head?
[music]
- And... time. - 20 seconds. Nice.
Want my Howler? I'm done with it.
- Oh, I don't read that drivel. - You... wait, what?
Then why did we put in all that effort to save it?
I use the paper to make my thera-piñatas.
Your thera... what?
[Oscar shouting] Where are my pants?
On your legs, dear!
Oh... therapy Piñatas.
So you basically whack Oscar with a stick.
And then eat candy.
Well, Dad really is losing it.
He thinks the paperboy is out to get him.
Hey, there is evil in this world.
I know a crow that's a criminal mastermind.
A crow took your knife. That doesn't mean it's evil.
[gasps] [crow cawing overhead]
No! Not the guy in the black hat.
I said the old man in the green hat!
Get it together, Sheryl! [caws sadly]
[music]
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ The same things you don't know ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ I just... don't know ♪
- ♪ Ooh - It's a great big place ♪
- ♪ Ooh - Full of nothin' but space ♪
- ♪ Ooh - And it's my happy place ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~